The following things need to pack up their things and get out, for they are fired effective immediately, and no we do not wish them good luck in their next ventures and business opportunities.

Potholes, for ruining formerly smooth roads.

Formerly smooth roads, for not standing up for themselves.

Cars, for consorting with potholes and formerly smooth roads.

Twitter, for being constantly down.

Michael Jackson, George Lucas, and Harrison Ford, for misplacing their talent.

Miley Cyrus, Keanu Reeves, and Hansen, for never having any talent.

Taurine and guanine, for not conspiring to give me huge muscular tentacles and superpowers.

Botts dots, for consorting with cars and formerly smooth roads.

Not dating, for being too arrogant to drop the "not".

Dating, for not collaborating with enough people.

Muslin, for being too flammable.

Muslims, for sounding too much like muslin.

CERN, preemptively fired for destroying the world on Wednesday, since we won't have the chance to fire them after the world has ended.

Drew, because he was pretty much asking for it.

The internet, for being too dang big.

Aspartame, for being so fake and artificial all the time.